The Arrest of the Star Trek Enthusiasts

It was a warm August day in 1986 when Zipperfinch Lake residents Osgood and Elvira Smulch drove east on M28 toward their first Star Trek Convention that was being held in Marquette. The Smulches declared themselves members of the Trekkie religion in 1982 and had memorized most of the dialogue in the Star Trek reruns they'd faithfully watched. They'd also seen the Star Trek movies the obligatory three times except the most recent one, Star Trek III-The Search for Spock. They'd seen that feature five times and planned to go back again. They had very few friends left because of their obsession but that didn't matter to them. The friends they'd lost thought Mr. Spock was a pediatrician who wrote books on child care and Captain Kirk was an English explorer who'd discovered the Hawaiian Islands and sailed along the coast of Alaska.

"Warp factor two, Mr. Sulu," said Elvira as Osgood sped the car down the highway. She fingered the Federation emblem on her captain's uniform. "Lay in a course for Marquette Alpha Beta."

"Aye, Captain. Warp factor two," said Osgood, pushing his foot farther down on the accelerator. "Course is set and helm is answering." He was also dressed in a traditional Federation of Planets uniform.

They were east of Negaunee when Elvira yelled, "Battle stations! Klingon Bird of Prey approaching fast. Warp factor three, Mr. Sulu," she said as she watched the Michigan State Police cruiser coming up behind them.

"Warp factor three, Captain," said Osgood as he pushed even farther down on the accelerator.

Osgood and Elvira were living in their fantasy world when the emergency lights on the police car came on.

"Red Alert! Raise the shields," yelled Elvira. "The Klingons are attacking. Warp factor four, Mr. Sulu."

"Warp factor four, Captain," said Osgood as he pushed the accelerator almost to the floor. "Shields are up. All stations report ready."

The strain was too much for their four cylinder compact car and steam began streaming out from under the hood.

"Engineering, this is the Captain," yelled Elvira into the glove compartment. "You'll have to hold her together, Scotty."

"We've lost warp drive, Captain," said Osgood. "It looks like we'll have to surrender the Enterprise." The police siren wailed behind them as he pulled onto the shoulder of the highway and stopped.

"We'll have to abandon ship but we won't give up without a fight," said Elvira as she jumped out of the car.

Two burly police officers placed Osgood and Elvira under arrest and escorted them to jail in Marquette. They charged Osgood with speeding and fleeing a police officer. They would have let Elvira go if it hadn't been for her obsessive behavior. She learned that state police troopers don't appreciate people pointing objects at them during a traffic stop. Pulling her phaser from her belt, she'd taken careful aim and tried to disintegrate them.

"It's set for stun," she complained as the officers wrestled her to the ground and disarmed her.

The following morning, the couple was hauled before a magistrate. After hearing their story, he considered having them mentally evaluated but changed his mind. In a stroke of judicial genius, realizing that mental health wasn't a big issue in Zipperfinch Lake, he sentenced Elvira to five-hundred hours of community service and Osgood received seven-hundred-and-fifty hours. The judge released them into the custody of Zipperfinch Lake Constable Oscar Jones. Their first project was painting Orville Bloodshot's outhouse which had become a terrible eyesore at the lake.

Osgood and Elvira enjoyed helping the community so much that they completely forgot their Star Trek obsession and devoted themselves to a lifetime of community service. We'll see how long that lasts.