A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound.

The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.

Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I become a monk?"

The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth."

The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave plotting terrorist strategy when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. bin Laden." a heavily accented voice said. "This is Ole down at da Viking Pub in Ringebu, Norway. I am ringing to inform you dat ve are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Ole," Osama replied. "This is indeed important news. How big is your army?"

Vell, right now," said Ole, after a moment's calculation, "dere is me, my cousin Engebert, my next door neighbor Gulbrand, and da entire drinking club from the pub. Dat makes eight."

Osama paused. "I must tell you, Ole, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Uffda!", said Ole. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Ole called again. "Mr. bin Laden, the war is still on. Ve have managed to acquire some infantry equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Ole?" Osama asked.

"Vell, ve have two combines, a bulldozer, Lars' farm tractor and twelve lefse rollers."

Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Ole, that I have sixteen thousand tanks and fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

Double Uffda!" said Ole. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Ole rang again the next day. "Mr. bin Laden, the war is still on. Ve have managed to get ourselves airborne. Ve've modified Engebretsen's ultra-light vith a couple of shotguns in da cockpit, and four boys from the Larsdatter's farm have joined us as vell."

Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Ole, that I have ten thousand bombers and twenty thousand fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two million."

"Holy Sons of Norvay!", said Ole, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Ole called again the next day. "Mornin', Mr. bin Laden. I am sorry to tell you that ve have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Vell," said Ole, "ve've all had a long chat over a bottle of aquavit, and decided that there's no way ve can feed two million prisoners."

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay. Truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note; then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Idiot, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or you'll answer to me!'"

St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this. When did all this happen?"

"Oh....Just a couple minutes ago."

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father … and your uncle …"

A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom practicing their swearing. The older boy suggests that it is time they introduce their parents to their new talent. He tells his little brother, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old readily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts with a swift whack on the boy's bottom and tells him to go to his room. The boy runs upstairs, crying and rubbing his backside.

With a sterner voice, the mother asks her younger son what he would like for breakfast. The boy replies, "I don't know, but you can sure bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"

"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.

She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"

A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75.

He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "About what?"

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money. The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes!

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
  1977 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
  2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
  1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
  2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
  1977 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
  2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
  1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
  2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
  1977 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
  2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
  1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
  2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
  1977 - Ants die.
  2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
  1977 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
  2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.