Clive Jackpine's house was broken into recently and a number of items were stolen. The property taken was of no significant value when compared to the valuables that were left behind by the burglar. A pair of snowshoes is missing along with an old twenty-two caliber pistol and a large bag of muskrat traps that were stored in the basement. Clive suspected Butch Bloodshot, the local juvenile delinquent, who is known for his love of the outdoor sports such as hunting and fishing.

When Clive questioned Butch about it, Butch replied, "I didn't steal nothin'." He was stuffing a large bag of something up in the attic of his parents' garage at the time.

Clive decided it was time to bring in the Michigan State Police to investigate the matter. He called and spoke with Billiard (Bull) Ball, the state police officer whose patrol area includes Zipperfinch Lake. Clive was surprised when Bull drove into his driveway and didn't even get out of his car.

"So, what was taken?" Bull asked through the side window of the patrol car while stifling a yawn.

Clive gave him the list and told him who he suspected. He also explained where Bull could probably raise some excellent fingerprints.

"Naw," said Bull. "We don't bother much with break-ins and robberies and stuff like that anymore. We got more important things to attend to."

Clive didn't realize that most police agencies had shifted their priorities from minor crimes and were after real criminals. On most days and especially on holiday weekends, police are mobilized across the state to make sure that people are wearing their seatbelts or haven't had a beer or two before driving. A driver who isn't wearing his or her seatbelt and has had a beer to drink is the real hard core criminal, the lowest of the low, so to speak. This person can expect the maximum sentence under the law.

Bull, in his defense, had apprehended some serious offenders of other crimes in the past. For example, Bull pulled over a Zipperfinch Lake resident for a minor traffic violation and discovered that the culprit had a scanner radio in his vehicle. That in itself is illegal but what really upset Bull was that the scanner radio was tuned to cellular telephone calls, a federal crime. Bull immediately arrested the offender and transported him to the township hall in Zipperfinch Lake.

Oscar Jones, who was the town constable at the time and has been known to be an extremely reliable witness, reported that the questioning of the suspect by Bull Ball was thorough.

"Cut me off another length of rubber hose," Bull yelled at Constable Jones from the interrogation room.

Later Bull yelled, "Can't we get any more power out of this wall outlet?"

Still later he screamed, "Bring in some more bright lights and a lit cigar."

When it was all over, the detainee confessed to everything including being the instigator behind the Spanish Inquisition and the main cause of the fall of the Roman Empire. He also confessed to having a modified satellite dish where he could get programming without paying for it.

When Bull heard this last statement he turned bright red in the face and again pummeled the suspect about the head and shoulders with the short length of rubber hose.

"I won't rest (slap) as long as there's (slap) even one person (slap) in this state (slap) that's watching (slap) HBO for free (slap)."

This reporter questioned Bull about the charges against the suspect shortly after the interrogation. "Aren't you basing your charges on federal laws that were enacted within the last few years that take away rights from private citizens and give them to large companies?"

"Yeah, those are the laws," said Bull. "I just won't have companies losing business just because some idiot assumes the airwaves are still public." He gestured toward the subject in the back of the patrol car. "That boy is going away for a long, long time," he said proudly.

The person arrested by Bull hasn't been seen in or around Zipperfinch Lake since then so residents assume he's still in the federal prison in Marion, Illinois. An inquiry by this reporter, however, showed that the convicted criminal never reached that or any other prison. Officials assumed he'd met with some kind of freak accident. Bull wasn't available for comment.

Clive's break-in was never investigated by anyone in law enforcement so he let the matter drop. People expect to see a large number of muskrat pelts in the Bloodshots' garage when trapping season arrives or maybe even sooner.