As early as 1991, environmentalists warned that an increase in methane gas in the atmosphere was contributing to global warming and the greenhouse effect. Earth watch groups blamed much of the gas increase on the flatulence of cows, a dubious and unsupported deduction. The U.S. Department of Agriculture awarded a large research grant to a major mid-western university. Professor of Biochemistry Dr. Bensen Burns was picked to study the effect of bovine emissions on the atmosphere.

Dr. Burns designed and built a monitoring device to measure the amount of methane in the ambient air using gas chromatography. He placed two thousand of the devices at various strategic locations around the country. He also designed an instrument that attached to the backside of cows to measure gaseous output at the source. Velcro and contact cement held the instruments in place.

Aiding Dr. Burns in his study was research assistant Bubba Sodgrass, a behemoth of an undergraduate who played left guard on the university football team. It was Bubba's job to wrestle the cattle to the ground and attach the devices. Bubba Sodgrass, under Dr. Burns' direction, attached the instruments to hundreds of cows across the country and a few across the border in Canada. Bubba astonished Dr. Burns by attaching the devices to three bulls in Texas, which wasn't surprising to Bubba's anatomy instructors back at the university. The football coach, not wanting to lose one of his starting linemen due to injuries, took a bruised and bandaged Bubba aside and explained to him, with the use of graphic slides, the differences between male and female cattle. "I see why them bulls wasn't easy to hold down," said a wiser Bubba.

The data began flowing in and it puzzled Dr. Burns. His numbers, charts, and graphs didn't correlate with what he expected. The methane released from cattle didn't appreciably increase the amount of methane in the air around the herd. An unexplained increase in seasonal methane did occur in some areas of the country, though. In the warm summer months, gas increased dramatically in areas near beaches and marinas. In the winter, the beach and marina methane subsided to normal levels but gas increased at or near ski areas.

After weeks of pouring over data, Dr. Burns developed a theory that it wasn't cattle after all that were emitting high levels of methane. It was local, state, and federal politicians. To prove his theory, he concentrated his gas chromatography methane monitoring devices at or near places where politicians congregate, especially city halls, state capitols and Washington D.C., along with trendy restaurants, sports clubs and golf courses. His devices reported positive data to him.

To obtain absolute proof of his theory, Dr. Burns sent Bubba out into the countryside to remove the measuring devices from the cows. Bubba brought the machines back to the laboratory where Dr. Burns made a few slight modifications to them so the researchers could attach them to humans.

Bubba, not wanting to repeat his previous mistakes, went back to the football coach for instructions. The coach used graphic slides to explain to Bubba that it didn't matter what gender a politician was when he attached the device. "Even people well versed in anatomy sometimes have trouble telling what sex a politician is," the coach explained.

Bubba ventured out to the political hangouts and began attaching the machines. He returned to the university a battered and bruised person. He found it was much easier to place the machines on bellowing cows than it was to put them on screaming, kicking politicians.

Dr. Burns began pouring over his new data and made many discoveries as the information accumulated. He proved that politicians are the main source of the increased methane in the atmosphere, emitting five to ten times as much gas as normal humans. This fact multiplied by the millions of politicians in the country corresponded directly to the increases of gas in the air. Dr. Burns' data showed that the average politician emitted five times the normal amount of methane, a vegetarian politician emitted seven times the normal amount, and a liberal vegetarian politician came in at an astounding ten times the average emissions. Dr. Burns didn't have any data on the offspring of politicians but he assumed that they would be as gaseous as their parents.

Scientists from academia applauded Dr. Burns' research and they are considering him for an achievement award. Bubba had to sit out the entire football season due to the injuries he sustained at the hands of the experiment's unwilling political participants.

The high levels of methane in the halls of congress may explain the insane bills that come out of Washington. They are suffering from oxygen deprivation. It also may explain some of the legislation that attempts to control the lives and decisions of the American people. The numerous anti smoking bills come to mind. They may be only politician self preservation measures. If someone lit up next to them, it may cause minor or major methane explosions.

There was an economic boom in one very small sector of retail sales because of the research Dr. Burns had done. Many localities now require that a caged canary be present to warn of dangerous levels of methane whenever and wherever politicians gather. There was a large spike in the sales of canaries.